While I have two children, I claim no expertise in maternal mental health. I also think everyone’s experience of becoming a mum is totally unique and trying to generalise can leave mums feeling even worse, when their experiences don’t fit neatly into the presented boxes.

However, there are a couple of observations I would make if you are feeling a bit anxious about becoming a mum, based on commonsense if nothing else.

You can’t know the unknown 

Firstly, nothing can prepare you for having a baby. It is something you have never done before and unlike anything you have ever experienced.

For most people, feeling nervous or anxious are very natural when dealing with the unknown. Many people feel a bit nervous before starting a new job, meeting a big group of new people or trying abseiling for the first time.

I’d go as far as to say they are pretty healthy emotions in the circumstances. I’m sure there must be some flight-or-fight basis to these feelings – having heightened emotions helps you to quickly process all the new information that is coming your way, so you actually deal with the new situation better and become comfortable more quickly.

If nervousness is tipping over into overwhelming anxiety during pregnancy (something I have experienced myself), don’t ignore it. This may be a sign of pre-natal depression and you should seek advice from your doctor or obstetrician. This site is also very helpful. However, trying to accept these feelings as a natural part of preparation for the unknown may help to alleviate them a little.

What every you think might happen probably won’t

My second observation is, again, a commonsense one. Expectations rule our experiences. If you are expecting your blind date to be a handsome prince and he turns out to be a bit ordinary looking, chances are you will see a frog. But if you were expecting a frog, you may well see your prince in the ordinary guy.

Equally, if you are expecting your baby to sleep through the night from six weeks and never vomit on you, it is unlikely you will enjoy the reality of having a baby. But if you are worried you won’t bond with your baby and you will never get to go out for dinner again, and expect it to scream all night and ruin your relationship with your partner (umm, yes, that was me), you’ll probably find yourself pleasantly surprised.

There are amazing highs and some horrid lows when you have a baby. Worrying helps us prepare for those lows and means we deal with them better. And those highs are sweeter for being a wonderful surprise. So, unless you are feeling incapacitated, in which case do seek help, please don’t worry about worrying – it could be what helps you to love being a mum!

In my last post, I wrote about the two little boys I look after and how Wiggles bars, Vaalia yogurts and other snacks disguised as healthy foods for children were creeping into their lunch boxes. While convenient, these foods are actually very high in sugar.

It has now been almost two months since the boys have had any processed foods and I think the changes have been quite remarkable. Before changing the boy’s diets, every day I was breaking up an argument because they wanted the same toy or to swap bikes. It was a constant battle between the two of them!

Since the new diet they are arguing a lot less. While I’m not saying there are no squabbles at all now, it is dramatically less than before. I have also noticed that they listen a lot better and are happy to follow instructions showing a lot more patience as the week progresses.

This truly is a very exciting time with the boys – they have made great progress with toilet training, learning colours and the beginnings of the alphabet. They are growing up more and more every day and becoming little people and since changing their diets they have been a delight to be around as they are always smiling, laughing and singing their ABC (what they know anyway!).

What’s best is, they don’t even ask me for any of those not-so-healthy snacks anymore. Even if they see another child eating one, I can easily distract them with a whole peeled apple! Proving that what they don’t know or have not tried will not hurt them.

While this is just my experience with two children, I do believe diet plays a big role in children’s behaviour and, with a little bit of will power, you can say NO to snacking on processed food and YES to snacking on fresh fruit and vegetables.

Happy Eating!

Tamarin

If you are thinking about employing a nanny, these are probably some of the questions that are circling your brain at the moment. Choosing a nanny is deeply personal – this individual will be working, unobserved, in your home, looking after your child. The level of trust required is the highest of any job and only you can tell the right person for you, but here is a bit of guidance to help your search.

Employing a nanny is a head and heart decision

When you are thinking about the kind of nanny you want, there are some practical things to think about and some deeply personal, emotional ones.

Practical ones include:

• how much do I want to pay a nanny?
• how many hours a week do I want? Which days?
• do I need someone with special skills (premature babies, particular language, special needs)
• what do I want the nanny to do – just childcare or some basic housekeeping too?

Getting a clear brief immediately starts to focus your search.

What type of person do we want?

Your ‘emotional’ brief might be more difficult to articulate.

You will want to think about your own family and the kind of person who will fit in. If you are pretty disorganised, do you want someone who will help create order from chaos, or will that actually get on your nerves? How important to you are structure, routine and discipline? Do you want someone who is going to develop and teach your child, or is the main thing a pair of warm, loving arms?

Don’t try to be objective

You may run a multi-national business and have interviewed and employed thousands of people in your time, but you will never have employed someone to look after your child.

It is difficult to be truly objective in the same way you would when employing someone in the office. One nanny may tick all the boxes, but you just don’t click with her (or your child doesn’t). Equally, someone that might not quite have everything you are looking for can slot right in to your family like she has always been there.

Get a professional opinion

It is a good idea to be open minded and talk things through with a nanny agency. We always think about the type of person that will suit a family and will sometimes challenge a client if we think their brief is not quite right. Recently, for example, a family wanted a very experienced nanny in her 30s or 40s. We helped the family to identify that a younger nanny, happy to work longer and more flexible hours, would suit their needs better, as they often work late.

Again, however, employing a nanny is a very personal decision and you should never feel pressured into accepting a candidate if you do not feel she is right for your family.

We’ll do another post soon on what we think are the secrets to having a successful relationship with your nanny. Let us know if there is anything you’d like us to cover.

Laura and Fran x

As a nanny for two very busy families where both parents work full-time, I know that it is a real challenge to keep all the balls in the air. When time is precious, commercial snacks for lunch boxes seem like a godsend – just grab and go. But it is easy to forget how much sugar can sneak in to even the most innocent appearing foods.

Over the past few weeks, I monitored the sugar intake of the boys I care for. Some of the snacks they were having seemed like healthy choices, such as Go Natural Fruity Bites, Frooshies and Vaalia yoghurts. But actually all of them are packed with sugar. I worked out that if they were to have one each of these snacks a day, they would be loading up with a whopping 57.7g of sugar!

To put that in context, children aged 4-8 should only get 130 calories a day from sugar (from a total of 1,600 calories). This is 14.3g or about three teaspoons. At two years old, my boys should only be consuming sugar naturally found in fruit and vegetables.

Escaping the sugar trap

We obviously want to teach children healthy eating habits from a young age so they will continue these as they grow into healthy young adults.

In my experience, the only reason children eat these snacks is because we offer them. I find that when they refuse healthy fruit or a sandwich/savoury snack and demand a sugary treat, they are most likely not hungry. Generally they will accept being told ‘no’ and will run off and play. I always offer the healthy option and if they refuse then that’s it – if they are truly hungry they will eat what’s been offered.

That’s not to say treats should be banned altogether, but they should be special – sharing a muffin on a Friday, for example – rather than an everyday thing.

Beware the bottle

Toddlers only have little tummies and we want them to be filled with healthy natural foods. If your little one is over 12 months old it may be time to think about cutting out the bottles. Formula fills them up and stops them eating their proper meals. Milk can be offered in small amounts (50ml) in a cup after breakfast and afternoon tea and before bed time.

Cutting out the sugar – some healthy menu ideas

If you have become a bit reliant on the snack aisle in the supermarket, here are a few easy suggestions to cut down the sugar in your toddler’s diet:

• Morning tea: an apple, peeled and cut up, or other fruit to replace biscuits like arrowroot or scotch fingers
• Lunch: sandwich on brown, grainy bread. Filings can be any combination of ham, cheese, vegemite, avocado and hummus. Cubes of cheddar cheese and rice crackers to replace commercial cheese dips that contain up to 5g of sugar per serve. Carrot/cucumber/capsicum sticks with any dip
• After nap: leftover lunch, hard-boiled egg, or wholemeal bread with peanut butter and banana to replace sugar laden fruity bites, roll-ups or commercial muesli bars
• Afternoon tea: fruit/greek yogurt with half teaspoon of honey to replace commercial yoghurts. Celery sticks with peanut butter or any dip. Fruit skewers

Unfortunately we now live in a world where diabetes and obesity is not uncommon in children. I wish someone had taught me about healthy eating from a young age, as my mother packed my lunch box full with chips, biscuits and fruit bars on a daily basis. Last year I managed to lose 12kg but I still crave these sugary snacks constantly and find it really hard to resist temptation!

Best wishes

Tamarin

I was lucky enough to spend a morning this week at a seminar run by the lovely Emma Walsh of Mums@work and Jennifer Beard of Polaris Coaching. They both have families (Emma has twins!) and spotted a need to help women going back to work after having a baby.

As well as chatting about our families (of course!), we spent much of the morning talking about the mistakes we make when returning to work – both when going back an existing role and when you have had a more extensive career break.

Emma was clear we tend to focus so much on practical side of our work arrangements – how many days we’ll work, childcare arrangements, whether we can work from home – we forget about the actual job itself. What will you actually be doing and how does it fit in to your career plan? This can lead to mismatched expectations when your boss anticipates the same availability or output in three days that you used to provide in five, you are given boring projects to do, or more junior people leapfrog you for promotion.

Emma and Jennifer purposely keep seminar numbers small. There were just eleven of us, so we had plenty of time to share our stories about returning to work.

And there was a lot to discuss! An expectant mum was worrying about how to stay in touch with the office while on leave. A lawyer was concerned about managing her perceived client availability now she is working part-time. Another participant was coping with a manager that changed while she was on maternity leave. Another wanted to return to work after a significant career gap.

Emma and Jennifer have a very supportive and practical approach to the range of issues that mums face when returning to work, but they weren’t afraid to dish out some home truths if necessary. “Don’t focus on what you can’t do,” Emma said at one point, “It is all too easy to get tied up in the days you can’t do, the hours you can’t do. Then the conversation with your employer starts from a negative place.”

We all came away with some clear actions to improve our working and, in some cases, family lives.

I got a huge amount out of the seminar and would highly recommend it to anyone back at work after having a baby, on (or even prior to taking) maternity leave. Emma also has a fabulous website www.mumsatwork.com.au chock full of resources to help you on your journey back to the workforce, so take a look. More information about the return to work seminar can be found here.

Laura x

My baby boy arrived in July and the first few months, with all those daytime naps, seemed relatively manageable. But when it was clear (at three months) that a milk-only diet was not going to satiate this big baby and then (at five months) he started crawling, life changed dramatically. I’ve been thrown into a frenzy of safety proofing and puree-making that has taken up my blogging time.

So, I’ve been reflecting on how the first six months with my second baby has been so different to the first six months with my daughter, Floo.

Here’s a summary of what’s changed:

-       less patting and rocking

-       more (not particularly) controlled crying

-       less reading the baby book

-       more flying by the seat of my pants

-       less clothing changes

-       more sick

-       less organic food (me and the baby)

-       more cake (me and the baby)

-       less expensive pram

-       more pelvic floor exercises

-       less cleaning

-       more washing

-       less trying to lose the baby weight

-       more wine

-       less worrying about ‘sleeping through’

-       more stolen midnight cuddles

I’ve found this time round physically tougher (thanks 38) but mentally easier, due to a great-natured baby and a bit of experience. But the real difference is the overwhelming knowledge that these few months are so fleeting. In a heartbeat he’ll be, like my daughter soon, putting on his school uniform and heading out into the big wide world.

Are you a first or second time parent? If you are on the second (or third!) have you become a more or less relaxed parent? Do let us know!

DISCLAIMER: These are my own parental failings. None of our professional nannies would ever, ever, feed cake to a baby.

Laura x

Find a mum-mentor

Find another mum, preferably who you don’t work with directly. If she works the same number as days as you, all the better. If she is more senior that you, fantastic. Approach her and ask if she will have the occasional coffee with you as you transition back into work.

Find out from her how she has juggled her home and work commitments. Get her opinion on your career and any issues you might be having. Talking to someone that understands the additional pressures you are under, the challenges of working part-time (if that’s what you are doing) as well as your organisation will be invaluable to retaining your sanity in less family-friendly workplaces

Talk to your boss and your immediate team

You’ve got a delicate balancing act to perform when you are back in the office. On one hand, you don’t want seem not fully committed to your job. One the other, if you need to be at childcare at 5.59pm and no later, you don’t want a request for an urgent report landing on your desk at 5.30pm.

An initial chat with your boss and the people you work with is a good idea. Let them know that you are pleased to be back. Show interest in what’s been going on in your absence and find out the team’s current priorities. Let them know what your child care arrangements are and any limitations on your time. Discuss expectations around taking calls and answering emails on your days off. Be flexible but not too generous. Your offer to take calls after hours can easily become answering the phone all day on your day off.

Work efficiently

This particularly relates to part-time workers, but even if you are full-time, it is unlikely that you will be able to put in the same number of hours that you did before you had a baby. It’s a cliché, but working smarter, not harder is the way to go.

Most importantly, make sure you are working on the right things. Find out what is a priority for your boss and do that. You don’t have time to be doing a favour for someone or to be focused on your own pet project. If you want to remain a visible and valued employee, make sure what you are doing is what your boss wants you to do.

Put in practice all the ‘work smarter’ tips you learned on training courses and never used. Have set times when you check email and make phone calls. Reset your email so it doesn’t ping when a new message arrives. Work on the hardest thing on your to do list first. Write a list of things to do the next day before you leave in the evening. You probably know a few more…dig out those handouts!

Don’t be too hard on yourself

You are probably going to be more tired at work than you ever were before you had a baby (days after the office Christmas party excepted). If you now cry at Huggies ads and pet rescue shows, you are also probably more emotional.

You may find it harder to deal with difficult customers or colleagues. You may struggle to let office politics wash over you or find yourself over-reacting to perceived slights.

Go easy on yourself. Take time to grab a coffee on your own. Talk to your mum-mentor. Call a friend or your partner. Walk round the park. Try not to get caught crying in the loo. If you need to, take a doona day to catch-up on sleep and get things back in perspective.

It is only a job after all, and there are plenty more of those, but only one of your unique, irreplaceable baby.

Laura x

Preparing yourself practically and emotionally for going back to work will ensure this transition is smooth for you, your baby and the rest of your family.

Sort out childcare

Stating the obvious, finding available childcare that you are happy with is critical. Get your name down as early as possible with childcare centres or with Little Bird if you want to find a family to share a nanny with. If you decide a nanny is the way to go, however, remember that most nannies are only looking for work 4-6 weeks out. This could feel a bit last minute if you like things to be organised well ahead of time, but it is sufficient time to find a great person and get your little one well-used to her.

Plan for sickness

What will happen if your child is sick? Childcare centres will not let your child attend if they show any signs of fever or other infectious diseases and won’t be keen on coughs and colds either. If you are nanny sharing, you’ll need to work out the level of child sickness that each family is happy to tolerate. Either way, who will look after your baby if they are not well enough to attend care? Talk to your partner, prepare any other family that might be able to help and have a back up plan if no one can take the time off work. Services like Little Bird offer occasional care and we can find you a nanny for the day at fairly short notice.

Get organised

Shopping, washing, cleaning, car repairs, bill paying. Still need to be done when you have a baby. Still need to be done when you go back to work. Talk to your partner about an equitable split of responsibility. Write a lot of lists. As much as you may feel like the annoying head girl at school doing it, packing your bags the night before and putting them by the front door does take a lot of pressure off in the morning. As does deciding what you are going to wear and putting your outfit on a hanger ready for the next day, but that was always a step too far for me!

Get used to someone else looking after your baby

For many women, handing over their child to someone else is the most difficult part of going back to work. Breaking both you and your child in gently to the experience is vital to reduce stress for everyone. We always recommend nannies do an initial half day with their families one-on-one, taking in a feeding time and a nap. Nannies can then get comfortable with the child’s routine and parents can rest easy that their little one will eat and sleep for their new carer before any other children are introduced to the arrangement. Childcare centres will also be happy for your child to attend for a couple of half days initially to get acclimatised.

Set some ground rules

It is all too easy for the partner that is returning to work (usually the mum) to continue with the lion’s share of the jobs like cleaning and washing that she was doing when on maternity leave. In many families, the part-time worker also ends up being the person that always drops off and picks up the child from care.

You’ll need to decide what works between the two of you, but do make sure that it is fair. With the pressure of work and childcare, resentments build easily, especially if you feel you are doing a full-time job running the house and organising childcare arrangements as well as your paid work. Make sure your partner will occasionally pick-up the baby or get back for the nanny so you can go out for a glass of wine after work.

In the next back-to-work post, I’ll discuss the support strategies you need when you are finally back at your desk.

If you have any thoughts or questions on return to work, please jump in with a comment.

Laura x

We launched our winter term learning and development plan this week, complete with over 80 ideas for things to do with children from babies to young toddlers.  All Little Bird Nanny Share nannies have these packs and use them as a resource with the children they care for.

But we have also had some interest from stay-at-home parents, or those that have chosen different child care options but still want some ideas for things to do on those days when it is too wet to go to the park, or everyone is just going crazy!

Each term is divided up into 12 or 13 weeks with a different topic for each week.  Topics this term include dinosaurs, the number five, day and night, weather, blue and faces. Each week’s activities reflect the topic. The pack for each week includes:

• 6-7 ideas for activities, including recommended age groups and learning outcomes
• a resources sheet including songs, books, recipes, ideas for games and information on places to visit
• an observation sheet so you can make a note of your children’s responses to the different activities
• a range of craft materials, card games and simple toys that support the activities and reinforce learning

Packs are available for $75 a term – less than $6 a week. If you are interested in purchasing one, or want to find out more, please email us at info@little-bird.com.au

Here Mataji explores the challenge of returning to work and some strategies to help.

I had a client recently who walked in to the office, sat down, fixed me with a steely stare and said “Before you say anything I’m not going to spend today’s session talking about the children, talking about my relationship or talking about how I’m going as a mother. I’m bored. I know you’re not supposed to admit that as a mum, but if I have to change another nappy, think about what to have for dinner or wipe another nose besides my own I’m going to scream”.

It can be hard as a mum sometimes to admit that you are ready for something more, that you are in need of brain stimulation and quickly. For my client, these feelings signalled her readiness to return to work. For other mums it might signal the need to start broadening their outlook and including some things in their week that are just for them.

If you are at a point where you are considering going back to work after having a baby here is some food for thought:

1. 1. Try to accept wherever you are at. What I mean by this is don’t feel guilty if you are in need of something more in your life. You can be a good mum and also have a fulfilled life. By the same token if you are blissfully happy as a mum and this fulfils all your needs at the moment then that’s great too.
2. 2. Work provides more than just $. Some of us have to go back to work at a certain time because our employer makes the call or we need to pay the mortgage and money is running out. Many women find however that when they do return to work they get more from it than just dollars. The stimulation of using their brains to solve different types of problems can be a welcome change and receiving recognition and feedback for their work can be a good boost for the self confidence.
3. 3. Take care of yourself no matter what. As mums we are notoriously bad at taking care of ourselves. Often mums put themselves at the bottom of the priority list and ending up being somewhere after the family pet and the pot plants in the pecking order. It’s really important to include some things in your life that are just for you like exercise, time with friends and doing things you find interesting, uplifting and nurturing. These things don’t need to be for a long period of time but can be for a night a week or a few hours here and there. What is important to say I think is that if you are taking care of yourself, it’s easier to then take care of others. By the same token if you are stimulated and fulfilled in other parts of your life then this has a flow on effect to your parenting.
4. 4. Ask for support and learn from other mums. This is the most powerful lesson I have learnt working with mums in my private practice. As mums we all go through similar experiences around adjusting to motherhood, being a good parent, juggling home and work, redefining our identity and having a good relationship. Open up and talk to other mums about how they are managing and how you’re going. You’ll find other mums are a wealth of knowledge and often have insights and experiences that are worth learning from.

Mataji can be contacted on 0414 301 237 or mataji@gainingmomentum.com.au.

Her book Hanging by a Thread. 12 strategies for staying sane in the first year of motherhood contains simple common sense strategies for taking care of yourself as a new mum and for preventing postnatal depression . It’s available for $19.95 plus postage at www.gainingmomentum.com.au.